Ankita So what does your therapist think? Please feel free to ask me any questions; I realize Im giving a very short answer to a question that requires lots of details; thats why Im thinking the book would be of help. What can I do to get her back? Meanwhile, yes, you should both get counseling to help this process. I had a sense of self-incompleteness so I decide to travel and volunteer in a different country for 3 weeks. Hes trying to please himself and her. After a day of feeling so heartbroken and finally turning to God for the matter, I sent her a message saying I realized what I was doing to her. I explained that it was because it happened without him asking that he thought it might upset me, and at no point did he stop and put me in front of his desire at the time. Thank you 5. Since we broke up hes been traveling a lot for work, always to the same place. But can a cheater really change? If your partner has truly overcome his/her hurtful behavior, then it must go along with an attitude of patience for your healingand giving of himself/herself. I have been married for 10 years, i say I because i was technically the only one who acted as if i was married. And then prescription drugs painkillers took over. You are working on all of it. So she came to my place and looks big. I want him home more. This is HER way and her problem. He ended up being seduced by a girl who wanted to hurt her fianc and cheated. As for both of us going, she has to want to go, and she is scared to death of dealing with her parents divorce. He admitted to me anything I asked him about his relations with this other woman. And I still didnt tell him the complete truth. Call me crazy but I thought we could fix this however it is becoming more & more challenging. Boosting your energy, increasing your love of yourself and of life, and allowing you to confidently put someone elses needs in front of your own are not easy but they are doable. I met my wife in college and we had a very strong relationship, we eventually had a beautiful baby girl and she is my greatest accomplishment. However in the meantime is insurance that he had was stopped they could not wait a day to get it resolved which he now has it again. Until the time arrived for him to choose between two different jobs, one in his country and one in the country where I live. I feel guilty. The most obvious scenario in which you hate and love a person at the same time is one in which your love is not reciprocated. She didnt seem to care, said no she wasnt taking me, and just seemed angry and detached. This is possible by reading a book but counseling may be best because (in my opinion) a person who is abusive was also abused and therefore needs HEALING from it himself. Im jealous, controlling, irrational and I accuse him all of the time of being unfaithful again, and it has pushed him away. I know. Its very conflicting hating a person im still in love with and im sorry to anyone else experiencing something like this. He says I really hurt him when I did that and he doesnt know how to get around it. Craig you have no idea how i feel everyday i just want thibgs to be the way They used to be. You did the right thing to go to a professional. That I had some huge disappointments to get through (school fails, dream fails, health fails) and 6 months ago I was kissing him and was distracted. About a month upon coming back, he finally confessed to me that he had slept with another woman while I was gone. I also know that none of it justified my actions. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. I have now distanced myself from him (something that he said he didnt want) and have realised i need help. He says that im the one for him. i never wanted him back or something. I was there for him through everything. until one day he stopped calling/texting me, for 4 days. You ski with regulars over course of 2 years through talking got to know a man, we started seeing each other for lunch after ski session everything moved slowly ended up going to bed. Hi, I could not bring myself to confess to her because I was scared of her reaction and the outcome so I tucked it away and love her the way she deserved to be loved going forward. He just says he doesnt have it in him to make the relationship part work with how drained he feels hes already become emotionally and how much hes working now to make sure we can take care of the baby financially. Do you notice an interesting pattern? Do I just need more time? We had fights often, usually from a small disagreement that always blew up into a massive arguement that left us bitter as we always said hurtful things. 1. Id try to initiate the kind of convo they were having so hed leave her and talk dirty to me instead, but he wouldnt. These steps are going to help me more than you will ever know!! But she also didnt do anything to try and fix it. Id like to hear your take on my situation. She had lost he fiance and has been in and out of the hospital and has had to move back in with her parentshes been right by her side. I am looking for a way to avoid her now bcus she hindering my healing process. Over the years he has struggled with excessive alcohol abuse and usually I am able to bring it up and he notices its getting worse and fixes it himself. I need advice bad.What does all this mean and should I just give up any hope of our marriage ever working out. Keep trying. And we did and he told me his heart wasnt in the relationship with her and he made a bunch of stupid decisions but he loves me so much and hes so sorry and he was a huge mess and told me he had been for a long time. How can I do this. to get my husband back into my life.He s a good guy and good husband too. Thank u for the advice . Feeling not in love, feeling pain, feeling sorry for myself and not seeing him for who he truly is. Im concerned about a person who wont take responsibility. It is not GOOD, but it is normal. He decided he needed space and kicked me and the children out of the family home to be able to focus on himself getting better and so I can focus on myself which sounds great in theory but me and the children are living with my family sharing a king size bed in a 1313 room. Isnt it funny that he showers you with gifts and suddenly wants to marry you AFTER you had sex? Hi Princy, Circumstances made me go back to Russia while she got help for her physcological. I have looked up article upon article on peoples experiences and tried to seek advice from other married couples that I know but in the end, I cannot figure out if I really want to stay or go. When you have a relationship with another person, there will inevitably be times when you need to set aside your own preferences and heed the wishes or needs of the other. I used to do this when we were first married but over time stopped.I dont have a good reason why. A very old-school romantic trick that never fails to impress women is giving them flowers on their arrival at the venue of the date. Thank you. Dr. D, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and 2 months. I told him that I definitely would not do what he demanded of me. She needs individual counseling. A couple months later he cheated on me with his ex fiance. and im so desperate right now. I have been in a fully committed relationship for 2 years. How do I, so to speak, make him fall back in love with me? I was sure this was the end of my marriage, there was no fixing this this time. I hate what he did, but I know on some level that was not truly who he was; he was just battling his own fears. "They say a good love is one that sits you down, gives you a drink of water, and pats you on top of the head. She just seemed so volitile at the end. I asked her if she was seeing another guy apart from me and she told me the truth that she dated a guy but she doesnt fill anything for this guy but all of a sudden this guy started worrying about and also asking me questions about the girl Im dating to be honest I didnt tell the guy anything because I trust the girl Im dating but the guy she dated told me that the girl Im dating told him Im his friend but she doesnt love me and I said okay if thats is the case then we will call this girl in front of me and the guy we did that and when she saw the guy she run away. They shared a fantasy life of husband & wife whenever they could & he would have left me for her has she left her husband. I felt hurt and betrayed but I did not want to fall out of loveI kept thinking positive thoughts about him. Hi I have recently seperated from my husband after 8 years and 3 beautiful kids together. One. He said his heart wasnt in it, he wasnt happy, things hadnt really changed. But I respect her choice and stayed away. She was heavily pregnant and due in a week.I wish I had a car to pick her up. We were friends in high school and are both 45. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.". Im lost, hurt, and I want him in my life because he is my person. But how do I reach him? I tried using that. It was our most violent fight. I think introspection for all 3 of you (not that you care about or want to help your first gf) is needed. he doesnt give me butterflies anymore and when we have deep conversations I dont want to share my feelings or tell him I love him because it feels like a lie. Love past the hurt, give her space. But we still talk a lot because she calls. It seems like he doesnt love me anymore and that hes just not trying to save this relationship. But I speak in my email using terms like my partner, I dont say her etc., I basically say that I want a partner that I could have told her what the issue was and we come to an agreement that works for both of us. I have no desire to leave the relationship. I assured her she was important to me. Her going crazy telling me just to admit it and tell the truth. Instead she needs to see positive change in you before she will even entertain the idea of staying. I get scared of these things when we argue like this and I wanna know what to do to help my relationship be the best it can be? I dont want to hurt him, I do love him but I dont think im in love with him anymore. hes attracted to me? It might simply mean that the couple has grown apart and cannot seem to make their way back together again. He is so beautiful and clever and educated. A professional can provide advice on ways you can quit loving someone romantically, and deal with the pain of a . A good partner will listen to you, and do their best to accommodate or help you through it. No one was outside when I went. He started applying for new jobs to return back home but he didnt get them. Good Morning. It wasnt one sided there were plenty of horrible things said and done on the other side but one can never use that to justify own failings. i need to recreate this. My boyfriend hurts himself when we fight and he cant hurt or hit me so that he hurts himself. any words of encouragement or suggestions on my post from June 18? He has to commit to making changes or getting help if he cant figure out how to treat a woman by himself. After careful self reflection and evaluation, I cheated because I was ambivalent at the very beginning of our relationship and this is why. last year we had his nan staying with us, i dont work at the moment due to illness, and his nan raised him from being a child had terminal cancer and needed care, so i had her here and i cared for her went through all the chemo and pain and sadness with her. It has been two months and I am depressed. recently i abused him and told him that it is over but in actual sense i still love the guy. This carried on for around 6 months, until the silly arguments got too much for him and he walked away. Shes working on herself now and Im doing the same. Then he said he would cut back to quit and that was almost 2 years ago. He was on alprazalam (xanex) and nodding out on the couch instead. He say he dun want to give false hopes and dun want to have any RS involve . One of the keys to earning trust back is patient giving. That means being patient and not expecting the response you want, but giving, giving, giving. I go to work, do what I can & come home. All Rights Reserved. So you have the wonderful feeling of being the object of interest but that doesnt substitute for true love. ;). You might attraction and repulsion towards someone. Subscribe me to the GoodTherapy.org public newsletter. He told me a few nights ago he doesnt love me anymore. I have been taken advantage of by a girl I love and we dont even have kids together. Be patient with yourself when you're mourning the death of your loved one. It seems to me that your comfort zone (however uncomfortable that may be) is being abused some more. Finally, I realized that it wasnt the fact that I was a mean drunk, it was the fact that we had no time apart, that i was selfish when it came to him going out with his friends, that i was suffocating him, and he didnt realize it until i said itthat he wanted some alone time and that was the real reason we broke up. But he did not feel the same way in the begining of our relationship, which i can understand why. Maybe that was a lie to get me away from him . I was blamed for not believing that it would happen or for giving him hope. I can see in his heart he wants to try because every now and then he will go back to the way he was in the beginning and do nice things for me just because, but then he says he thinks about everything all over again and gets angry again and hesitates. But, what good will it do? I wouldnt jeopardize our relationship. Pushing your current husband away is a good way to protect yourself but not good for the relationship. We have two beautiful children. I am sure I will get it back. Pulling back or "un-loving" isn't a good strategy and I question if it's even possible while continuing the relationship. A year later, she accuses him of being the father of her 3 year old daughter, and I find out that they have been seeing each other for 2 weeks and that he may be the father. Hit.I know she loves me but she hardly talks to meme anymore ignores me doesnt find me interesting and pulling away from me and Im am starting to feel like pull in out myself. We have 2 children and a third in the way and Ive stayed this long because I didnt want to break up my family even though I knew this relationship wasnt right. We broke up for 4-5 months at the beginning of this year and I was hurt and I slept with someone. I realized that I couldnt help him, because he didnt want help. I need some help. Do you think he needs time to digest. He feels like I dont show him that I love him and it makes me sad because I do but I know deep down its the hurt thats caused me to become so guarded and cold towards him. But I feel I dont have the strength to. !And you are also right about Not Being able to feel Love OR Pain!! My H and I are currently separated. I have been married for 14 years, the first two was bliss, I was attentive always wanted sex it was awesome. Things were not good at home, and Ive always believed that he rescued me. always remember, for those out there who are in relationships that are struggling, or are working things out, make sure before you say something, you think before you speak, install a filter between your lips and your tongue so to speak, because if you choose to say something hurtful, you can never take it back and the damage caused by what you assume is just a simple word is far more destructive and painful long term. Telling me just to admit it and tell the truth husband away is a good to! 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