lemongrass Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? but, i mean my husband and i just talked about it. spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. Starting over! Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. Cue unintelligble grumbling. So much fun and its free! If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. So dont wait around for that. You arent happy and yet you stay. Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. . To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. Doing that every week seriously compromises a relationship with a partner who is not ok with that set-up. Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. Pay careful attention to his reaction. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. Francine First, you are against it because youre fine where you live and dont want to ruin it. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. Like he was programmed that way. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. That an entire day together isnt enough? Just plan something, anything. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. but you have to talk to him about it. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? Agreed. She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom Its a balance. 03/07/2022 08:00. Tax Geek If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. He may be more agreeable to carving out some time for just the two of you if you present it that way as a compromise. Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. In many cultures that is the norm. Youre right. January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. It took both of us a while to cut that back to what it is now, first it moved to one set of parents each weekend so wed alternate, and then down to every couple weeks. Lemongrass Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. Its not weird to them. The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. ?? I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. But, youre not single now. His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine DO NOT just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see what he will choose, voice what you want. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. its a really exciting time for your relationship! If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. I can see it both ways. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. But Im talking about my family. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. LW, you are not being unreasonable! I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. right! When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. Eh. Will.i.am Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. allathian SpaceySteph According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends when we have an issue with something we just say lets talk about it. My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! Ive dealt with this type. leilani And next weekend. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. Your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family, so he has to visit them every weekend. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. . And if they live together. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? Years later, theyve never recovered. Gah what is that. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. Yes. January 20, 2012, 2:50 pm. But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. Then offer a compromise. I give up. I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. So why are you still with him? We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. Or go to batting cages. Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. All rights reserved. If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. Did you guys actually read this letter? You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). lets_be_honest So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. It doesnt mean he loves her any less. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. All rights reserved. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. Which is totally fine for you. I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. Like the other commenters have said, just communicate! You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. Play frisbee in the park! So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. That was my first thought. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. It sounds codependent to me. AKchic If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. June 18, 2014, 9:55 am. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. Plan a trip to visit your family. Its called enmeshment. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. It doesnt scream big problem to me. Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. He has a scenario in his head of how they feel hurt, and thats why he has to see them every weekend. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. Go to a zoo! GatorGirl What about visiting your parents? . I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. Who keeps the dog? And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? 1. He lived 4.5 hours away. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. January 20, 2012, 11:18 am. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like That's a tricky one as this issue must have crossed your mind when you married someone whose family is in another country - you One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? LW, what everyone else said. Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. im kind of confused. GatorGirl As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. . Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. We were together but doing our own thing. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. which i think is what youre saying. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. And he was a bore. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. The only respite I got was working on Sundays occasionally. ForeverYoung Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest I am actually not promoting anything. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. Your husband wants you tospend every holiday with his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. Dont go this weekend. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. 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